Mommy guilt and Career Advancement

Mommy what will I do if I miss you?” were the last words of my almost five-year old daughter just after they saw me off via phone when I said the last goodbye before the plane took off. These words kept replaying for the entire time I was away. Wednesday night, three years ago, is a day I feared to face. As I approached the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport Nairobi seated on the front seat holding my almost two-year-old daughter (who I had to stop breastfeeding 10 days prior). I felt like I did not have more energy., I felt it in my tummy and legs. Was I making the right choice? Am I going to manage? This was going to be the first time for our family to be separated; this time, not the usual way it was the mother leaving young children.

My two daughters, their dad,  my two sisters and two brothers  and our nanny accompanied me. When we arrived at the airport, there was the excitement of being in the airport, especially for our daughters. As they played, tears could not stop flowing again as they had the last few days. Yes, I have decided to do it; I had the blessings of my family and pastor but how do I say goodbye?

My parents video called, and we said the last pray and then final goodbye… the airport scene turned into wailing; everyone shed painful tears, and my daughters were clinging; they wanted mummy, and I wanted to be with them too, but it is too late at this point they don’t understand that they cannot go in with me as they have no visas and air ticket…they are almost calling the final call…I went to begin my life as a student at Bossey Ecumenical Institute, which I had dreamt of for seven years.  I had prayed to God that if this was His will the moment I got into the airport to minister his peace, He did. I did not stop to cry or feel the sadness of the separation from my young family, but I felt God’s peace.

When I came to Switzerland for my advanced master's at the University of Geneva,  I thought my family would be able to join me after a few months. Sadly as the months went by, I realised I had to live away from them for 10 and a half months because of the nature of my scholarship and studies, visa policies, and the high cost of living in Switzerland. At this point, I realised that I had to be physically and mentally present in Switzerland; otherwise, I would have a double loss and not make the most of the very good scholarship I had received. 

Being away from my young children was the most challenging thing my family and I had to deal with, which taught me resilience and trust in God. My stay in Switzerland affirmed that God is in this story. Many little miracles I do not regret. Looking back, I am grateful to God; First, I will say that my testimony does not mean that everyone to follow my steps, I’d have been happy to study and have my family with me, but my case was different, and I had to pray to be sure this was God’s leading which was evident through my stay and God’s leading for our future. 

I must confess this is one of my personal saddest stories of motherhood, where I had to deal with motherhood dilemmas that many mothers trying to raise young children and advance careers find themselves. This led to the year that I shed most tears yet felt helpless as a mother.

I find motherhood as a package and journey, some days it's blissful, other days I wonder whether I am doing my motherhood calling well enough. Am I spending enough quality time, being a good example in speech and actions? I find secure attachment and connection with my daughters very important, and more so after the separation experience. When I am doing badly I deal with the mommy guilt (borrowed from my last interview with a career mom who also had to travel a lot when her baby was under one year to keep her NGO job)  and ask for God’s grace and wisdom. When it's going well I praise God and can only pray and believe it will translate well in the future.